Found this on another site. Some of it pretty good.
Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I
can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men prancing about, decorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual.........
Real men of the world stand up; scratch your arse, burp and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the
Retrosexual movement. "
The Code:
1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in at your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
4. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need
deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!
6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look
like he's shit himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If
wearing a hat, he wears it correctly - not on the side like a faggot.
Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!
7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "Dealing with it" portion of The Code.
8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
10.A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run,
she ain't worth it.
11. A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major
mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire
family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a
different city, favourite dog expiring, etc.
12. A Retrosexual does NOT see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay him
enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT! When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
13. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
14. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
and ONLY a Windsor knot.
15. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
16. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can
or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
17. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.
Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people
or things that just need a little "waking up".
18. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a
Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one,
death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major
body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden Ute.
19. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his
face.
20. A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to not only any
women but any elderly person or person in military dress(except 2nd Lt's)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
21. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a
serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.
22. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
utensils.
23. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except
on his Ute - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then
the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, DEAL WITH IT, or do both.
24. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good
enough.
25. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just........DEAL WITH IT!
Added
Under no circumstances may two retrosexual men share an umbrella.
If you compliment a retrosexual on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
It is ok for a retrosexual to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth
Any Man who takes a camera to a retrosexuals stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a retrosexual friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a retrosexual bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a retrosexual mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No retrosexual shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another retrosexual man.
In fact, even remembering your retrosexual mate's birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other retrosexual blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another retrosexual bloke in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a retrosexual man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A retrosexula man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a retrosexual mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another retrosexual man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
Another rule is Retrosexuals only know the primary colours. Puce, peach, eggplant, forest and eggshell are not colours. They can't be, 'cos if its not on the General Motors or Ford colour chart it don't exist.
Retrosexsuals
-
Kerrison Clan
- Posts: 76
- Joined: 17 September 04 1:32 pm
- Location: legana, Tasmania
-
Jessica (Mama Bear Left)
- 800 or more hollow logs searched
- Posts: 58
- Joined: 05 May 03 1:04 am
- Location: Kalamunda, Western Australia
- Contact:
Further more,
1: No self-respecting retrosexual man ever asks for directions in any state or form (eg street directions, how-to directions). That is part of the purpose of having a female companion. The corollary is that a retosexual man never gets lost. He just takes the scenic route occasionally.
2:Instead of a shrink, a retrosexual man has a shed. When the going gets tough, he goes into his shed, and comes out when he is ready and not before.
3: Never on pain of death disturb a retrosexual man who has "gone to his shed", which is a totally different thing to "being in his shed".
4: When a retrosexual man is in his shed, he is at the same time keeping his wife/girlfriend who is in the house company. That is the supreme form of togetherness for a retrosexual man.
1: No self-respecting retrosexual man ever asks for directions in any state or form (eg street directions, how-to directions). That is part of the purpose of having a female companion. The corollary is that a retosexual man never gets lost. He just takes the scenic route occasionally.
2:Instead of a shrink, a retrosexual man has a shed. When the going gets tough, he goes into his shed, and comes out when he is ready and not before.
3: Never on pain of death disturb a retrosexual man who has "gone to his shed", which is a totally different thing to "being in his shed".
4: When a retrosexual man is in his shed, he is at the same time keeping his wife/girlfriend who is in the house company. That is the supreme form of togetherness for a retrosexual man.
