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The Owls
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Location: Northmead 2152.....


Post by The Owls » 18 December 08 8:07 am

I like to laugh and I like a good joke. So in an attempt to inject a little humour into these trouble times I thought it would be good idea to start a joke or funny thought thread. When things might be tough you can always pop in here and have a good laugh. Please feel free to add a joke.... just keep it clean! As there are ladies and children present.

I will start with:

Two hunters are out in the bush when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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Post by CaleD » 18 December 08 9:01 am

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed to 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

"Dear Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home."

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Post by Rogue » 18 December 08 12:06 pm

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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Five Surgeons

Post by chewinprickles » 18 December 08 12:45 pm

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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the farmers 5
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Location: Wagga Wagga,Riverina,NSW. Home of Australia's ......OZ MEGA WAGGA WAGGA..

Post by the farmers 5 » 18 December 08 1:15 pm

A Mexican bandit who robbed a Laredo,Texas ,bank was apprehended in a busy street by a U.S. Marshal a few days later.
The Marshal spoke no Spanish and the Mexican bandit spoke "no english".
So,a passing Mexican was asked to be an interpreter.

The Marshal poked a gun in the Mexican's belly and said to the interpreter,..."Ask him if his name is Manuel Gonzales."
The interpreter replied...."he says,YES...his name is Manuel Gonzales.

Ask him if he was in Laredo,Texas at the first National Bank.The interpreter replied Yes,and admits he robbed the bank.

The Marshal pushed harder on the gun.Now, tell him," i'am going to pull the trigger if he doesnt tell me where the $5 million dollars is ".

With sweat pouring down the bandits face,the thief stammered back in spanish..." dont shoot!, i have a wife, and four kids at home. The money is in the well behind the house ".

The interpreter replied back to the Marshal...." he says you are a big mouth ! ,you dont scare him! , Go ahead and shoot ! ".

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Post by CaleD » 18 December 08 3:19 pm

An Australian, an Englishman and an Irishman were on a building site. One day, while they were having lunch, the Australian opened up his lunchbox and said "Yuck! I'm sick of Vegimite! If I get this on my sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself off the building!" The Englishman opened up his lunchbox, and said "Gah! I agree with you! I'm sick of this marmalade I always get, if my wife puts this on the sandwich again tomorrow I'll throw myself off the building with you!" The Irishman opened up his lunchbox, and said "Rubbish! Cheese! I'm sick of cheese! One more day of cheese sandwiches and I'm off the edge of this building!"

The next day, the three met up again to have lunch. The Australian opened up his lunchbox, and upon seeing his sandwich had Vegimite on it, exclaimed "I've had enough! Vegimite again!" and threw himself off the building. The Englishman, after seeing the Australian jump off the edge, opened his lunchbox. His sandwich had marmalade on it. "Marmalade! Marmalade is disgusting! I'm sick of this!" and threw himself off the building. The Irishman, now the only one left, opened up his lunchbox. His sandwich had cheese on it. He stood up, and screamed to anyone that was listening, "Cheese! I've had it with cheese!" and threw himself off the building, just like the Australian and the Englishmen.

At the funeral for the three men, the three wives gathered together. "If I had known," said the wife of the Australian, "that Michael hated Vegimite, I wouldn't have put it on his sandwiches!"
"I agree!" said the Englishman's wife. "James never let me know he hated marmalade. If he had just told me, I would have given him something different instead of the marmalade!"
"It's so strange," said the Irishman's wife. "Paddy made his own lunch."

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Post by The SBI » 18 December 08 3:33 pm

A few years ago a friend of my fathers went to spain, while he was there, he tried marinated bulls testicales. He thought they were the most beautiful thing he had ever eaten. He raved about them that much that when my father went to Spain, he decided to try them.

He went into a Spanish resteraunt and in his broken spanish ordered Bulls Testicles.

About 10 minutes later, out came his meal, with a few spanish vegies on a plate and these two little beans. My dad was confused, and he called out to the waiter, "Waiter, Bulls testicles, aren't they supposed to be Big."

The waiter hesitated for a moment and turned said, "Sorry sir, but you come the wrong week, most week, the matador he kill the bull, but some week, the bull he win."

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Post by petan » 18 December 08 6:28 pm

A frog goes to a fortune teller for find out what the future holds for him.<p>
"Aha..." says the fortune teller, looking into her crystal ball, "you are going to meet a beautiful young human girl, who will want to know all about you..."<p>
"FANTASTIC!" croaks the frog, "Where will I meet her? At a party or what?"<p?
"No, stupid, in a biology class!"

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Post by Bewilderbeest » 19 December 08 7:49 am

At lunchtime one day, a duck walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a hamburger for lunch. The barman goes "Wow, a talking duck. That's amazing!"

The duck replies "Actually, I'm looking for a job, do you know where I could get some work?" The barman says "The circus is in town, you should join the circus" to which the duck replies "Why, do they need a plumber?"

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Post by PesceVerde » 19 December 08 1:31 pm

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third ducks.

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Post by Ksix » 19 December 08 2:25 pm

Two guys and a horse walk in a bar.

The bartender asks the horse...

"Why the long face??"

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Team Wibble
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Post by Team Wibble » 19 December 08 2:26 pm

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot. :roll:

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Post by !mike » 20 December 08 9:35 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . . . .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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Post by Crisp image » 20 December 08 2:11 pm

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

A stick!

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Post by NinjaPete » 21 December 08 5:13 am

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts Crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.
'Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

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